The past few weeks have been pretty barren in certain areas, which doesn’t spell good things for this News in Briefs column, but this week we had failure, humiliation, and the sweet, sweet, taste of someone else’s utter disgrace. And that means good things for this column!
Political Oops of the Week
Good lord, where do we start with this section this week? There were multiple slips this week which have served to embarrass everyone from the Government, to the Opposition, and all the way to a guy who always seems to disappear for a few years and then randomly pops up again.
Let’s start with the most obvious political fail this week by looking at the fuel strikes. Yes, the Government evidently thought they lived in Japan where everything is orderly and the people are generally not complete idiots. Francis Maude of the Conservative Party advised people to keep some cans full of petrol in their garages, which is essentially like telling someone to put their head in a lit oven in a sealed room. And, to top it all off, David Cameron then advised people to fill up their tanks, despite the fact the unions hadn’t even called a strike. And I think we all know what happened next.
Labour and Ed Miliband must have been greedily rubbing their hands together after the humiliation of the Government this week. Hold on, Eddy, you can’t take advantage of this because look at what happened in the Bradford West constituency by-election. You went from a 45% share of the vote to a 26% share of the vote at the hands of an independent party under George Galloway. Obviously, the political fail metre is following a pattern this week. On a side note, the Liberal Democrats did so badly that they actually lost their election deposit.
Finally, George Galloway was busy celebrating his sensational win, but he didn’t start his term as an MP in the best way by thanking the people and pledging to do his very best for Blackburn instead of Bradford. But still, he wouldn’t be the first MP to forget which world he’s living in.
The Painful…
Now here’s a 24kt moron to lighten the atmosphere. After the issues caused by the fuel panic this week, one woman took it to new extremes. Yes, we heard of it late on Friday, the woman set herself on fire. But how did she do it? Well it wasn’t saving a handbag from a burning building, it was much more humiliating.
This woman set herself on fire in her kitchen whilst decanting petrol for her daughter who was apparently out of the stuff. Now, ignoring the fact that it was incredibly stupid to be playing with dangerous fumes in the same place where you make your food, the fact that she was doing this next to a lit gas hob really just makes you think: “Oh look, it’s natural selection at work.”
A neighbour eventually saw her thrashing around in a fountain of flames and the woman eventually suffered 40% burns, but it really does make you weep for Britain.
…And the Pointless
The Daily Mail reported that Prince William’s 190mph superbike wasn’t working because mice had gnawed through the cables on it. Finding content for this part of the News in Briefs column is always easy because all you have to do is take a look through the Daily mail website, and they didn’t disappoint again.
Firstly, let’s remember that Prince William is a prince so he can just buy another one. Secondly, who honestly cares? It’s not as if he’s in any danger or any sort of crisis, in fact the only crisis you can find in this article is the fact that he now has to take a car instead of his bike. The term ‘first world problems’ certainly does leap to mind.
On a side note, the Daily Mail wrote in their article: “Prince William is has been forced off his motorbike because it has been attached by the rodents.” Now this does tell us that regular readers of the Daily Mail are the type of people who have to wear safety goggles and gloves in case they injure themselves because how a supposedly professional publication can mess up that badly with a relatively simple sentence is beyond my comprehension.
The Outrageous Yet Borderline Hilarious
The law is a difficult thing to understand, and it would be wrong to expect all of our police officers to understand every rule and regulation off the top of their heads, right? Right, we all agree with that. But when our police officers turn to checking Google when a situation arises we know there’s something wrong.
This incident occurred this week as a Welsh PC walked into a store and told the owner that selling a bong in Britain was illegal, which is completely false. He must have felt really smug, but before he went in to the South Wales-based store he had checked Google to clarify the law. The only issue was that he was looking at the law for New South Wales in Australia.
We all make mistakes, but you genuinely do have to question the intelligence of someone who can make such a catastrophic one; and especially when it comes to someone in a position of authority.
A Positive Outlook for the Week
Honestly, I prefer talking about this week more than focusing on next week, but, since I have to write a News in Briefs column next week, I’ll give it a shot. On Saturday, the news reported that even though the Coalition took their advice back, petrol sales are still going up due to panic buying. I’m looking forward to some more idiots trying to store it in an enclosed space. Call it sadistic, but surely we need something to cull the stupidest people from our society?
The news from Mali has also caught my attention as the military have taken over the country and the rebels are charging across the country. It’s exciting, it’s something new, and, evidently, the lessons from the Arab Spring which started last year haven’t fallen into the footnotes of history yet.
So maybe next week won’t be as bleak and irritating after all…
‘a Welsh PC walked into a store and told the owner that selling a bong in Britain was illegal, which is completely false. He must have felt really smug, but before he went in to the South Wales-based store he had checked Google to clarify the law. The only issue was that he was looking at the law for New South Wales in Australia.”
Amazing. I’d suspect an April Fools story, except that I remember how, 9 years ago, I assumed the initial “Great Helena Heart Miracle” press release was an April Fools story. After all, how could any sane researchers claim that a small expansion of a smoking ban to cover a town’s bars would result in a 60% instant reduction in heart attacks?
Michael J. McFadden
Author of “Dissecting Antismokers’ Brains”
Honestly, Michael, this is why I absolutely hate April Fools Day.
I unwittingly fell for one this year when I believed that Chris Kamara was really going to become a football referee. But the good thing is that I found that police story a few days before I wrote the article, so at least I know it’s real!