News in Briefs 08/04/12

Well last week was obviously a case of much ado about nothing as all the panic and fear has just collapsed into irrelevance. I can guarantee that all of those people who looked around for hours for fuel are now feeling like absolute fools. But, still, there’s nothing you can do when total idiots and panic come together, is there? Anyway, on to this week’s news!

Political Oops of the Week

If we needed any further proof that the people running the country are childish, out of touch, and generally inept then look no further than the talks between them and the union representing the tanker drivers.

This week they were set to meet at a secret location somewhere in London (since this is obviously something international terrorists will be attempting to gatecrash) where they would talk it out in a professional manner. The tanker drivers would have closure and the Government would prove that it can deal with matters in an adult and efficient way. They would sit around the table and discuss things like rational human beings, right?

Oh, wait, what? That’s right, they wouldn’t even sit in the same room. The absolutely shocking reports informed us all that they wouldn’t sit in the same room so they employed mediators to run back and forth between separate rooms with each development. Now how childish is that? It reminds me of being back at school where certain students would refuse to sit next to some of the other students.

Separation

Unconfirmed reports also told us that the talks had to run into a second day because nothing was decided before nap time.

The Painful…

After shooting a four-inch nail into your heart you generally expect to die in excruciating pain. But this self-employed, 52-year-old builder was lucky as he managed to get to hospital and undergo cardiac surgery before he left this mortal coil.

I guarantee that a number of you will now be assuming that this guy had to be an American because Americans seem to have an affinity for these stories involving stupidity. And you couldn’t be more right as it was a man from New Jersey.

When I first read it, I thought it was something you only find in a cartoon as his nail gun mysteriously jammed so he turned it on himself to see what the problem was. And that’s when the nail gun fired and hit him straight in the chest and pierced his heart. I wonder if an ambulance with tiny men arrived soon after to rush him to the nearby hospital?

Nail gun

It's natural selection made easy!

…And the Pointless

Titanic has returned this week! Most of us will have already seen that the 1997 Titanic film has been all over our billboards and TV screens as it’s now being released in 3D. Forgive me if I don’t soil myself from excitement.

Now, I loved the original Titanic – in fact I watched it last week – but even though I’m probably one of the only men who did like it, I don’t see why Titanic in 3D warrants such a large slab of publicity. However, I’m not upset because it’s being released in the form of something which is so overrated. I’m upset because they are going to make millions from this.

The creators must be laughing their behinds off because all they had to do was wait 15 years for the invention of commercial 3D and then re-release Titanic so they can then get a multimillion dollar payday all over again. Expect to see other films receive the same treatment if it does indeed take millions during its opening weekend.

The so Outrageous that it’s Borderline Hilarious

Everybody knows that technology is incredibly popular in countries like China, Japan, and South Korea, but can you fathom just how popular it is? Waiting outside the store for five days prior to the release of a new games console? Believable. Playing a new game until you pass out and perish from dehydration? Believable. Sell your organs to buy an already widespread device? Wait, what?

Yes, I was serious. News came in on Saturday that five people had been arrested in China, including a surgeon, because a child sold his kidney to get an iPhone and an iPad. The kid was courted on an online chat room and received about $3,000 for the transplant, whereas the group received about $30,000 for it in the end.

Even if you are desperate for the latest gadget and device you don’t sell your organs. You really just can’t imagine how stupid people are until you read stories like this. Ok, the kid got his little gadgets but he now has renal failure and he will suffer for many many MANY years. Good job, let’s give a round of applause for such a magical display of beautiful stupidity.

Unicorn

Note, I’m not necessarily saying that the group who committed these illegal organ trading acts are idiots because no doubt they are just trying to do business and make money for themselves in a country where iPads and iPhones are well beyond the reach of normal urban workers, but the people who agree to it. Good lord!

A Positive Outlook for the Week

More rain! Yes, I’m happy about the rain and I hate the sun with a passion. Is it because I’m a vampire? No, it’s because the more sun we get the more problems with water we seem to have. The fact is we need the rain and it looks like we are going to get it. And I can’t stand kids so anything to keep them inside during the holidays is welcomed!

Nobody likes to see sports teams go out of business, even if you can’t stand them, and it looks like two sports teams may be saved this coming week. The Rangers situation is getting much better as they now have four bids on the table, so this way we won’t have a Scottish league which is as irrelevant as the Welsh league.

And for the Bradford Bulls (rugby league) situation, they may have just saved themselves as the deadline has passed and they will now have to embark on their next £500,000 relief package. But don’t expect them to get out of this easily as there will surely have to be player cuts before it all blows over.

So maybe next week won’t be so bleak and irritating after all…