News in Briefs 06/05/12

It was an eventful week in politics as the people of Britain took to the polls once again, even though it was a rather pathetic 32% turnout in the large majority of places. The football season in sport is coming to an end, and we have more idiocy and stupidity from America.

Oh and I enjoyed my trip in Brighton, if anyone was wondering.

Political Oops of the Week

I could go for the easy option and just rip into the fact that the Liberal Democrats and the Conservatives were soundly beaten in these local elections, but I’m not going to do that. I’m going to rip into the fact that the Liberal Democrats were beaten in the Edinburgh local elections by a penguin standing six feet tall from Planet Pipe.

His name was Professor Pongoo and he entered the local elections as an independent candidate. But the Liberal Democrats were humiliated when the penguin polled more votes than their party. In fact, Professor Pongoo polled 444 votes, the Lib Dems polled 370, and the Green Party polled 322. Nick Clegg and friends have really fallen from a great height since they entered power in Westminster.

Professor Pongoo

The new face of British politics.

In other news, something utterly hilarious happened as whilst Labour leader Ed Miliband was walking around Southampton, in order to brag how well he has been doing, he was hit on the shoulder by an egg that splattered over his nice new suit. Clearly the message is that you just can’t win when it comes to politics.

The Painful…

This section is brought to us by Italian football this week. Fiorentina manager Delio Rossi was sacked after he beat the living hell out of one of his players.

The incident occurred when he took the Serbian player Adem Ljajic off after 22 minutes. But Adem wasn’t too happy about the Fiorentina manager bringing him off so early so as he walked off he performed an ironic round of applause for his boss’s tactical mastery.

Not going to take this from some scumbag from the former Yugoslavian nation, the Fiorentina manager fell into the bench area and decided to teach him a lesson in pain. Adem was lucky because when his boss was pulled away it looked like he was lining up a punch, and it didn’t look like it was going to be a weak one. But he gained the final victory as the manager was sacked and the Italian press turned in his favour.

…And the Pointless

Have you ever loved a car or motorbike so much that you wanted to have sex with something right after driving it? On a personal note, the answer is never, but for other people I’m not too sure anymore because American Henry Wolf is attempting to sue BMW over this sort of problem.

BMW Bike

Is this the cure for erectile dysfunction?

He’s claiming that a permanent erection has been caused by a motorbike ride through San Francisco, California, which lasted four hours. His main ‘consequence’ according to him is that he is now unable to engage in sexual activity. Now this is quite strange because I would have thought that if you had a permanent erection you would be the perfect person to have regular sexual activity.

For once, the man would be able to outlast the woman!

The so Outrageous that it’s Borderline Hilarious

My first question has to be: “Why is it always the Americans?”

And it really is always the Americans when it comes to crazy, religious, anti-gay nut jobs. The latest anti-gay nut job is a pastor from North Carolina, who preaches at the Berean Baptist Church in Fayetteville. Sean Harris recently made headlines when he suggested in a sermon that parents should beat their children for “looking gay”

This anti-gay nut job then went even further by claiming that he was similar to Jesus. Last time I checked, Jesus wasn’t a nice person all the time, but he didn’t preach hatred towards gay people. And I don’t even recall him preaching hatred towards anyone really. He turned a few tables in the temples, but he didn’t really hate them. He was the preacher of love, good, and all of that other wonderful stuff.

Yahweh (God), on the other hand, was the vengeful one. However, I suppose that this is just something that will blow over after a while. This sort of thing never stands up for long. Sean Harris seems like a Westboro Baptist Church wannabe really.

A Positive Outlook for the Week

Do you remember when current French president Nicolas Sarkozy acted like a total douche bag to David Cameron when it came to Europe? And do you also remember the rule of what goes around comes around? I do, and it seems to be true as this time next week he could be out of office. It’s quite funny how arrogant he was with his supermodel girl and his power over all of France, and now the world is watching him squirm.

Nicolas Sarkozy

Bahahahahahahahahahaha...

In other news, the Iranian president Ahmadinejad is apparently falling out of favour in his own country. So could we be looking at the end of another tyrant? Although, you shouldn’t get your hopes up as his replacement will probably be one of those cases where everything gets much worse and we all end up craving for his return.

So maybe next week won’t be so bleak and irritating after all…